An Introduction to Walls

I was asked what would you say to a wall the other day. This sparked a new interest. In this post, I will discuss the wall itself, so I can then go on to transcribe various conversations in more posts to come.

People tend to form opinions on any old subject. They have the particularly annoying habit of forming rather negative opinions on things which they don’t, or indeed can’t, understand. This is one of their more annoying traits; and unfortunately, it is not a trait easily escaped. You see, the average person doesn’t understand why the weather is always grey, so they decide to hate it. They don’t understand the finer points of calculus, so they decide to hate that. Indeed, the average person (sadly) does not understand how a wall can form opinions and have personalities. When the see me interested in what a wall has to say (they have plenty of interesting things to say, believe me), then they decided to form suitably negative opinions upon both me and my wall.

My name is Emelia, and I talk to walls.

Before I get into any particular depth of my conversations, I must clarify a few points about walls, since no one I have encountered has yet to converse with a wall, let alone discover much about whom they are and why they’re here. Well, yes; their main job is to keep the ceiling up, and other such things (which can give them terrible aches; not unlike a backache), but they can also have wonderful personalities. They come in many shapes and sizes; and their personalities correspond accordingly. I have talked to many walls, and different types tend to follow different social traits.

Every wall:

• Has Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). They have two sides; and therefore have two different personalities. At first I thought that each side was, in fact, a different wall, but then one side would badmouth the other side, and start telling all its secrets (secrets that only the wall itself could know). So I have come to realize that every one wall has two personalities. Possibly more if one was to delve into further and more complex dimensions (but, alas, I have not)
• Has a slight disdain for the average person (when I say average person; I mean a person who does not even bother to start even the smallest conversation with a wall, such as ‘How are you today?’ or even ‘Lovely weather we’re having’. In fact, every time someone says ‘lovely weather we’re having’ whilst near a wall but is actually talking to someone else and not the wall itself, a wall ends up extremely disappointed and plants a curse on that person that has crushed their dreams).
• Is extremely lonely, since not many people stop to have a chat to them.
• Is fluent in Portuguese (I have no idea why; but I am seriously considering of taking a class in Portuguese, so that I will then be able to decipher what they sometimes mutter).
• Is a member of the WWF (Worldwide Wall Federation). They considered suing the World Wildlife Fund for the use of their copyrighted initials WWF, but in the end they didn’t bother since they couldn’t get a lawyer to notice them.

There are many different types of walls in many different types of settings; and you must approach this idea in much the same way as you would with people. In fact, the two are quite each other in many ways. The biggest difference between people and walls is that walls actually have something interesting to say.

A walls personality is influenced a lot by its surroundings. For example, a wall in an art gallery can be quite pompous, since it has rather expensive pieces of art hanging from it. I tend not to talk a lot to these though because I don’t generally enter many galleries and they tend to be quite anally retented. A wall in a library is well read, and is a jolly good thing to consult if one has a question.

In a general building, supporting walls are highest in the pecking order (or social ranking, rather, since I don’t think walls peck) than an average wall for obvious reasons. Walls with doors and windows generally have a less alarming case of MPD because they have readier access to the other side. They are ranked second in the social ranking in a general building, with walls used just as partitions coming in last.

Interior walls are quite sad, since they never get to go outside (and never get talked to, but this is something that every wall has to get used to, unfortunately). They generally have much more gossip since they get to see things behind closed doors… literally. Exterior walls can look weathered, and there is also a large risk of them being mistreated. Overall, they have a happier life to their interior counterparts. They may live a life of danger and risk; but they don’t have to deal with office politics.

The Mental Adventures of Gerald

Wandering down the street in no particularly enthralling manner, Gerald stopped to sniff the air. It was cool, moist, with a distinct aftersmell (much like an aftertaste, but for your nose) of purple. His brow became slightly furrowed, as he wondered why on earth the air should have an aftersmell of purple. Come to think of it; Gerald had never even noticed that aftersmells existed. He sniffed again; no, it was definitely an aftersmell. Shrugging; he set off once more – to only stop when something else registered in his mind. How on earth did he manage to smell a colour, let alone identify that same smell as a colour, when five minutes ago he was sure that colours did not, in fact, have a smell attached? His brow furrowed just as it did before, as he tried to comprehend the smell of a colour. He sniffed once more. It was definitely purple, for some reason unknown to him.

Gerald made a mental note to be more aware of his experiences and surroundings. He seemed to live his life on autopilot, whilst his brain was almost permanently on holiday (without bringing his consciousness with it, so Gerald didn’t even get to see what fun and exciting places his brain had been to). As a matter of fact, Gerald couldn’t even be sure that his brain was on holiday at all, since he had not officially been informed of the fact; it was all a supposition of an unknowing optimist.

Abiding by his earlier mental note, he called his brain and waited patiently for it to stop hanging around the pool (if it was indeed on holiday, as Gerald had suspected). He suddenly felt rather envious of his brain, which seemed to live a rather exciting life without him.

He noticed another presence. ‘Ah’, he thought, ‘So you’ve decided to return, have you?’

‘Who said I ever really left?’

‘Don’t you patronize me! I’m not that thick without you, you know!’

‘So why did you bother calling me here just to say that you don’t really need my help to live a rather satisfied and fulfilled life?’

Gerald felt a presence beginning to disappear.

‘Oi! Don’t go! I do need you!’

‘A very fine way to show it and all – all that “I’m not thick without you” nonsense.’

‘You forgot the “that”.’

‘What?’

‘I said “I’m not that thick without you”; not “I’m not thick without you.”’

‘There you go doing it again! Demeaning my presence, my whole existence! My lord, haven’t you ever wondered why I spend so much time off?’

‘Well, I can’t really wonder a whole lot without you, you see--’

‘Right! That’s it; I’m off!’

‘No! Don’t leave me alone, I need you!’

‘Don’t be silly. I always leave you the typewriter, don’t I?’ In his brain’s absence, Gerald possesses a mental typewriter to jot down all the questions, all the conversations, all the interesting shapes of clouds he sees, to be stored in large mental filing cabinets to all be processed by his brain at a later date. This is one of the reasons why his brain rarely returns; there is always a mountain of paper work to be done.

‘What good is a typewriter when things need to be processed now?’

‘Oh, all right. What do you need to know, then?

‘Thank you, ri--’

‘I’m not sorting the filing cabinets’

‘I never as--’

‘And it better not be too taxing. I’ve got places to be, you know.’

‘You’re supposed to be here all the time. You spend too much time off, anyway.’

‘I’m leaving if all you called me for is to have a bit of a lecture.’

‘No, don’t go! That’s not it at all, yo--’

‘That’s good. What do you want to kno--’

‘Stop interrupting me!’

‘Ooh, look at the pot calling the kettle black!’

‘Shut up! I need to know about my surroundings now, and also a lot more often. The details are filed away.’

‘…’

‘Well? Why aren’t you talking?

‘You told me to shut up’

‘You can tell me the answer and then you can shut up, only talking when talked to.’

‘Right. Well, your surroundings are quite odd. How did you get here?’

‘What do you mean? I’m walking to Aunty Audrey’s house.’

‘Well, you seem to be encompassed in what I can only describe as purple.’

‘Is that good?’

‘I have no idea. Now I’m going, otherwise I shall be late for a rather pressing engagement.’

‘I would never get so much grief if I had a normal brain.’

‘Goodbye.’